fadillah fauzia akmal

Good Ending

Welcome to the end of the 2016.
And it’s good i’m not ending up at hospital.

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End of Year

Dear Ag,

Hmm, again, long time no see and talk.  Sorry.

Me? i’m good. Well, not that good to be honest. You know, it is the end of the year again. That busy time again. And my dyspepsia suddenly comes in. It really knows when to show, eh? My voice start hoarsing. Lets pray together i’m not end up in hospital.

Thankyou by the way, Ag, for asking me first, even after i’m not contacing you for so long. It’s really nice. One of heartwarming attitudes you always have.

And, you, how are you?

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Dear Ag,
Long time having no talk. How’s life going? Did the wind bother you? Some nights they just getting worse. May you not forget to use jacket. Did you still stand everynight watching the sky? Ah, i hope everything’s good on you, Ag. And, hey, have you met Leo?

About Leo, to be honest, i was totally forget about this one this year, Ag.  I know i have to wait again until next year. But you know what? I met my Leo, Ag, in you, my favorite month, as my biggest birthday gift ever. I’m having a great life right now, Ag. Who think life could this beautifull? (I even can’t hold my smile while writing this.)

You know what is my favorite words now, Ag? Words that i saying often? Uda and Alhamdulillah. I still remember the time i talked to a friend of mine about how i will call my husband. Uda. Uda. I don’t know how, but this word like having something on it, Ag. Something that when i called it makes me feel safe, comfortable and get a piece of peace. And ya, it actually is, Ag.

And you can hear how often my heart says hamdalah, Ag. Uda adalah salah satu syukur terbesarku. He is one of greatest gift God gives to me. I couldn’t ask better, Ag. Alhamdulillah :)

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We sat on a circle. Introduced ourself to new friend in the left side. And I started first. Told about general things like name, where come from, my university. My new friend listened to me seriously. Until I said that I am an introvert. He shook his head and stared me with wider eyes. Said he didn’t believe it.

89750What i could do at that time except laughed? With that kind of noise voice that i made, the first one who asking people around before the even started, who could believe? Some people still think that introvert is a person who can’t talk much, doesn’t like people, shy, has an social anxiety. Well, they are not – thanks to all psychology books that i read when i was in senior high school

89758So, introvert is a person who recharge their energy by being their own. Staying in the bedroom. Alone. Listen the music. Alone. Drawing. Alone. Doodling. Alone. And book. Don’t forget the book. Book is an important thing! Or just stay in library. Or quite place. Or go everywhere by themself. Or a quite crowed place where they know no one. And it’s okay. They don’t feel lonely by being alone. Nor weird or anything. Because intoverts get drained by being with people. And, that’s how they recharge their energy; by being their own.

89748I still remember, once when i was 9 years old, my two friends and i, specially schooled in my village just for a year to learn the quran. The end of the year, we celebrated Khatam Qur’an. It is a yearly big event. So, many people were at home. My two friend’s family, Ibu and Papa’s family. And at that night, i cried. Ibu asked me why. I said that they made my room being untidy. Absolutetly it was a lie. Because honestly i do really had no idea why. What i know i got messed up feeling.

When i did my KKN, i jogging to the beach just by myself,- well, not literally alone because i brought Charles Dickens with me. And when i came back, my friends asked me where did i just go. No one believed i went alone. Like impossible. Like why just go alone? I must be met someone there they said.

I know not all people understand about it. And it’s oke for me. I enjoy my solitude. But then, just because we do need solitude, doesn’t mean we’re gonna stay forever in our cave. We are craving too for the conversation and the company like extroverts do. What make it different just the doses. We just need in small one.


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Dear, Pram.

Aku harus bilang apa? Tapi kau benar- benar… jenius! Tulisanmu padat tapi mudah untuk dipahami. Kau tahu, di chapter awal aku sudah berhenti membaca di beberapa halaman untuk menarik nafas dan menenangkan perasaan. Karena tulisanmu terasa benar sekali. Lalu aku berkata-kata pada diriku sendiri. Berdiskusi. Bahwa apa yang kau tulis masih juga berlaku sampai saat ini.

Katakan aku berlebihan, tapi perasaan membuncah ketika membaca seperti ini sudah lama agaknya tak kurasakan. Mungkin karena buku terakhir yang aku baca, Syahrir, cukup berat dari bahasan maupun tata bahasa terlebih menggunakan ejaan lama. Sehingga sulit aku mengerti. Dan terkadang ketidakmengertianku itu membuat aku kesal juga. Padahal sudah aku baca ulang. Maka membacamu jadi seperti menemukan oase. Menyegarkan.

6 books Pram; done. Many to go. Masih hutang 3 buku lagi dari target

6 books Pram; done. Many to go. Dibaca dari atas ke bawah. Acak. Dan masih utang 2 buku lagi dari target.

Aku rasa kita tidak bisa benar-benar objektif menilai sesuatu. Kita menilai seobjektif mungkin kesubyektifan kita. Aku tidak mengatakan kau jenius karena aku sudah membaca sebelumnya mengenai kekaguman orang padamu. Aku mengatakan ini karena yang aku rasa kau memang begitu.

Tapi kau hampir membuatku membencimu, Pram. Tahukah kau aku emosi jiwa membaca chapter 13 Rumah Kaca-mu itu? Susah payah aku mengikuti Minke dari awal dan kau akhiri dia seperti itu. Begitu saja!? Tanpa basa-basi?! God, Pram! Mataku sampai sabak menahan emosi. Kau tidak bisa sekejam itu. Ya, walau aku tahu ceritamu memang terjadi di dunia nyata, tapi tetap saja aku kesal. Agaknya aku lebih menyukai happy ending, Pram. Cukuplah di dunia nyata saja kita bersusah payah. Biarkan fantasi akan dunia yang sempurna kita temukan di buku-buku. Menjadi pelarian indah sementara setidaknya.


Pementasan yang akan berjalan dengan apik

Dan bersyukurlah akan chapter 14, Pram. Kau masih sisakan satu bab penutup. Menjabarkan keadaan yang sama saja tidak menyenangkannya. Setidaknya cukup untuk mengalihkan pikiranku akan akhir cerita Minke yang susah payah kuterima. Dan, seperti sewajarnya semesta bekerja bak jaring laba-laba, berhubungan satu sama lain, kau akan dimainkan, Pram! Bukan dalam bentuk film seperti yang aku kira sebelumnya, tetapi teater! Lebih baik lagi itu namanya. Dimainkan oleh 2 aktor favoritku dan disponsori oleh foundation beasiswaku dulu. Keterkaitan yang menyenangkan. Semoga ada kesempatan untuk menonton secara langsung. Amiin.

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